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Peaked

by Brent Vipond

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1.
Travel Kit 02:40
gotta pack my bags, i’m going on a trip i better get together my travel kit full of boarding passes, maps, sunglasses and an accent for something new and different got my boots footloose and shoes tied tight i swear i’m prepared for any bus ride and flight overnight layovers with meals not paid for ain’t quite right, but i’ve got a new appetite for places to go sights to see so many faces to know and people who i’m gonna meet so, soon i’ll be who i want to be nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country i want something more maybe across the sea because i’m getting bored of my old home in this city so, soon i’ll be who i want to be nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country and be the fool that i’m gonna be nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country searched my bags for necessities old keys for doors i no longer go through and leave mean nothing to me, i’ll declare solemnly cold and alone, surrounded by these graffitied walls down an empty hall that reeks of nicotine and alcohol i never thought this is where i’d call a place to get away from it all for places to go sights to see so many faces to know and people who i’m gonna meet so, soon i’ll be who i want to be nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country i want something more maybe across the sea because i’m getting bored of my old home in this city so, soon i’ll be who i want to be nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country and be the fool that i’m gonna be nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country shed my old identity nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country and be the fool that i’m gonna be nobody to stop me when i’m in a new country
2.
each day over, i’m growing older and each year brings my fears a bit closer and as i flip my calendar over and over the weeks don’t seem to go any slower there’s nothing left to see, in this town and no one left to meet, it just sounds like everything just seems to get me down at the ripe old age of 23, is this how it’s meant to be? at the tender age of 24, i really hope there’s something more and at 25, i’ll surmise things must be better this time 26 just makes me sick one drink’s all it takes for this looking back at years gone fast things always seem much better in the past sick of saturday afternoons sitting in my cold bedroom scrolling through old photos of whom i’ve not seen in a year or two maybe i should get a clue and realize they won’t do the same, we grew apart, they’re on to something new maybe i should do the same too at the deadly age of 27, should i even be thinking of heaven? and when i am 28 you’d think by then i’d know my fate by the time that i’m 29 there is nothing left to find 30, 31, 32, 33 by then it’ll all be the same to me looking back at years gone fast things always seem much better in the past sometimes i think “if there’s a god above” that they want me to just give up accept a job in which i’ll grow dumb and wait for all my limbs to go numb i’ll pray that it doesn’t have to be this way but looking back at years gone fast things always seem much better in the past at 34 will i close the door and hope i’ve found all i’m looking for 35, better open my eyes stop pining for much better times after this, the clock will tick and won’t stop counting all those minutes and i will miss all that i ever had even when those things used to make me sad looking back at years gone fast things always seem much better in the past
3.
help me, anxiety’s been screwing with what i see what i see doesn’t seem to be what i wanted my reality to be and it’s making me lose all my sleep i’m sweating beneath my sheets wanna dream of a way to get through another day at night, but it’s keeping me awake i can’t feel my face and i’ve got nothing to say because my vocal chords are acting like they just broke like it came up and struck me in the throat fight me anxiety i’ll take it in therapy i’ll spin it’s head right round like it makes me do now but this time it’s the one hitting the ground i’m not it’s goddamn lackey it’s not gonna take my chance to be happy staying tucked away to a corner of my brain depending on how much xanax i can take we’re not having another episode of a show that we both know too well where it’s holding back my breath at a social event because, the way it wants me to withstand demands more than i can bear and i’m just saying “it’s just not fair” i don’t care, no matter how much it begs and pleads i’m not helping anxiety but it’s not the one who gets to declare whether or not its thinks it’s fair i don’t care no matter how much it begs and pleads i’m not letting it control me no matter how much it begs and pleads not ever helping anxiety
4.
Old Age Home 03:52
haven’t seen the lady down the hall all week the orderly says her room is being cleaned but when you passed it last, it was empty you’re not young and naive, you know what that means some would say that you’re such a lucky guy given more time than most just before you die but you would say that that’s just another lie there’s nothing worse than being left without them saying bye and if memory serves correct you’ve heard the ring, less and less of telephone calls collect from people who don’t just forget “swear it’s not happening” on your grave you’re soon to meet at least you’ve got your family, someone visiting” and when they knock on the door it feels a bit like before the years when they weren’t born when life could still give something more it takes some getting used to not getting used to knowing we all go and die alone waiting on another day soon to be done envious of the man in the corner with no thumbs taken care of, brought out by his only son he won’t have to think of the day his young doesn’t come some would say that you’re a blessed one but at your old age, it seems like all is done losing track of the days no longer seems so fun it’s hard to know it’s not all just begun it never gets easy to see people just get up and leave like they’ve gone out to sea either sinking or drowning never to return fallen off the stern and for them you’ll yearn but you never ever learn it takes some getting used to not getting used to losing sight and sound, losing sight and sound but it takes more getting used to not getting used to having someone around
5.
waking up the clock’s, at half past two hold my head and wonder “what did i get up to?” check my phone’s texts and hope i didn’t thumb somethin’ dumb, while sipping a red solo cup put the coffee on, mumble some truths like “i need to get a grip and take control” as the filter drips, smell fills the room i glance at the floor, where my head spent the night before i brought out my emotions with one or two cans of molson chased it down with another round please pretend that i sound so profound but the only thing you’d notice in the tone of my voice is hopelessness when i’m in three or four in by thursday i’m counting down the days don’t know how many more of em i can take every minute till the weekend, i wait and wait till i can fill my cup up another ounce or eight on friday i’d go out to a bar a place i claim where all of my friends are but i’ll drive them away with the sullen words i’d say and beg them to stay, i’d need a ride home anyways all my thoughts and worries spill out from this bottle of whiskey pound ‘em back until i yak then plead not to be thrown out on my ass and if i must be honest i’m in love with the catharsis that comes along with the intoxicants when i’m a few more drinks in dream of the things i’m looking forward to but they always end with me drunk from the brews and early the next day, i will cry in shame this lightweight can’t walk straight all red in the face he’s such a waste on sunday i’d hope to start anew but i missed the bell call for the church pews i slept through the day, letting it get away but now it’s late and i’m wide awake my headache is returning and my throat is burning the water from the tap’s not taking back what i said and how i’d act the worst of all of this is that i know i won’t know my limit when i’m three or four in when i’m a few more drinks in when the liquor’s pourin’ till the next morning
6.
Attics 04:35
if i knew you soon would leave the room i’d stop to think before you’d move about what i would say to you and if you’d listen to all the things that i can’t say ‘cause when it seems you’re here to stay you’d get up and walk away maybe i’ll get it out one of these days concerns of mine’ll just rush to mind but the nouns and verbs are so hard to find if i could, i’d say why but i’m a little tongue tied i’m scared of what’s beneath those eyes and what you keep inside, the attic’s deep in your mind, out of reach we’ve all got thoughts that we don’t want to talk about that put us beside ourselves someone that we can hide behind to keep you from finding out all the things i can’t say, i’ll sing and put it out to figure out these things let it out and hope to god it brings me closer, to what’s missing all the things i can’t say i’ll sing but you and i both know it stings to hear something so startling you thought i could never say, but it’d make you think i’m a bottle with a message inside washing up your shoreline that’s without a single line cause i don’t know what i’d write, but if i had some sentences i’d hope they’d make some sense and hope they’d say things best and not just make a mess we’ve all got thoughts that we don’t want to talk about that put us beside ourselves sometimes i need to try, to pry and trust the right words’ll fly out my mouth
7.
i miss the sound the sidewalk made as my footsteps found the shade on the pavement, made of grey i’d walk down in that alleyway. i miss the way the breeze blew on my face as i walked down Adelaide to meet friends and faces, for granted i’d take them because i thought they’d always stay like bill murray in groundhog day in a place that’s not supposed to change past the place i used to roam so many years ago see the way the garden’s grown alongside of that corner store down memory lanes and old faithfuls i claimed i’d never again go are a million names i’ll never know because this ain’t my home no more i miss the way the walls were stained yellowed by sun and rays of the bedroom where my head would lay away from the yell of this city’s subways and trains i miss how late i’d stay out for getting headaches in the morn i miss the taste of hangovers brought over by the older kids next door then staying in bed to rest my head replaying each phrase that i said to them
8.
Been Waiting 03:14
i’m sorry, but by now i must confess you’re probably wondering why i’m getting so upset if these words take longer to get out of my head we’ll spur another memory i’d rather soon forget is it me or does it seem like soon you’ll be just somebody walking down the street awkwardly avoiding the moment we’d meet not wanting to stop for a talk or to even be seen there’s something i don’t know how to say my tongue just gets in the way we’ve just been leading up to heartbreak should we end it now or let it happen too late? never thought i’d want to let you get away but maybe this is just our fate i’ve been waiting for all of this to go to shit call me a prick, or a pessimist waiting for all of this to go to shit i’ve been watching the days and counting down the minutes come on, please, you must admit we’ve been a better fit, so much better than this these days i’d say at best we’re fine but fine doesn’t cut it enough this time am i the only one who knows how this will go one day in love, but not so tomorrow so strange how the change is just part of the flow and i can never anticipate what follows
9.
we’re at our expiration date it’s time for a change where nothing’s the same you say "it’s the only solution and way 'cause we've been drifting over places and apart each day" as if that makes it ok and takes away all the pain i’ll try to plead the case, to justify to end it all with grace but i’m just left asking why i’ll come up with some stupid lines but they just come out as self pity and lies and i’ll think, that there’s still time it’s not easy to believe you're really saying what you mean it’s not easy for me to see how i couldn’t give you what you need it seems we wanted different things one bounded by dreams, the other by rings but all i can see and all i can think is i can’t compete with what would wash down our kitchen sink and it makes me sink into this bottle of my greatest fear that reeks of cheap thrills and cheaper beer i’ll spill it soon at the sound of your voice that’s bottled up yet has too much joy and though i hate to say your words still have a point but it’s not easy to believe you're really saying what you mean can you tell me right just when you knew that this would end i’d say “we got time, we got so much god damn time” but you don’t want to keep up the lie and pretend like things are fine.
10.
everything must come to an end did you ever think you’d say that to a friend everything must come to an end did you ever think you’d say that to a friend the words you wished were never said pierce the skin i thought we shed the words you thought were never meant hurt the most when replayed back in your head if i could change the way i see you that’s what i’d do back to the day i got to meet you in the corner of that room but past the years that we’ve both been through my view’s tainted with tears, drops of dew everything must come to an end did you ever think you’d say that to a friend everything must come to an end did you ever think you’d say that to a friend everything feels cheap and spent when you don’t know just how far you went with the words you thought were never meant that hurt the most when replayed back once again i’ll act like i was duped but so will you and i know that you’re not the type of person to argue and now my fears of living without you they seem so clear, like they’re coming true i’ll replay my mistakes over again while taking for granted all those lessons and all the ways i made you hurt will make you pine for times that never were i’ll replay my mistakes over again kept awake by a phrase that drove you away forget about the who’s to blame hold doubt that things will ever be the same i’ll bite and chew, what i’ve been through and claim i’m somebody new and that i’ve changed, and i’ll swear it’s true but you know that i’ve not got a clue

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released February 20, 2021

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blvipond Toronto, Ontario

Brent Vipond is a Toronto, ON based singer-songwriter. Through a stripped down and visceral acoustic sound, Brent focuses on topics such as dealing with loss, anxiety, and the fear of getting older. His full-length album "Peaked" is available on all streaming platforms as of February 2021. ... more

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